We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
why do cheetos always look like penises
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
