i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Randomize
