She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
