What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
