So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
