I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
