im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
