I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
