At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
We need a shit load of segways right now
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
