Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
