I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Randomize
