OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
