My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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