Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
