I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
