i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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