so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize