She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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