Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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