Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
