if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
