Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
