anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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