yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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