im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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