and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Randomize
