Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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