ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Just pee around me
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
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