I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
