Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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