So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i just had sex bonerless
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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