Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
