peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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