Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
