Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
