hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
