i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize