I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Gay?
German.
Pity.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
