he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You have to summon your inner elephant
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
