That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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