if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Randomize
