Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
