Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
did i just pee glitter
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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