Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
