im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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