I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
