is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
