You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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