I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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