Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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