im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
