Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
