My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
