My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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