Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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