Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Randomize
