i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
The Olympian is in my bed
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
