No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize