thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
