I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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