I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
